On Missing My Son....

Logan is away this week at Outdoor Education in Coloma.  This is a fantastic experience for him where he will learn about the California Gold Rush, take great hikes in nature, test himself on a ropes course, and gain some independence, which at age 9 is a very good thing.

We’ve worked up to this week all school year.  When he first heard about the trip, Logan was adamant the he was not going.  But, the party line Sean and I took was this:  He was going, and I was not.  It has taken months of quiet conversations and fantastic support from his teacher to get him on this trip.  His class practiced the drop off procedure for Monday and we spent the last 2 weeks getting his supplies ready.  We purposefully did not schedule anything for the weekend so we would have a few stress free days together before he left.  Sunday night his bags were packed and he was ready for the trip.  I was not.

My relationship with my son is very special to me.  Like all mothers, I assume, I feel a close connection with him.  But in some ways I feel our connection is a bit more intertwined than most.   I understand his rhythms, how to manage his ADHD, when he’s overemotional because he hasn’t eaten enough.  That understanding goes both ways. When I’m stressed, he’s stressed.   Some of this is a result of our close relationship.  A lot is because of the time we spend together.

I teach in a school a half-mile from his, and therefore we spend a lot of time together.  He is in before school care because my school starts 40 minutes before his.  He’s in after school care for about 20 minutes as I wrap up my day.  The rest of the time we are together.  We wind down from school and start homework together.  We stay together during his swim practice.  Then we spend the evening together through dinner and bedtime. 

We’ve been apart before.  Sean and I have taken vacations and I was gone a week in 2009 taking a class in Ashland OR.  I think it’s harder for me this time because I have to face my normal life without him in it.  And it’s harder than I thought it would be.

I’ve been keeping myself busy.  Monday afternoon I cleaned house and watched the trash TV I won’t allow him to see.  Yesterday I had a meeting afterschool that went late (it was really weird to not have to watch the clock) and then Sean and I went out to dinner and a movie.  Out on a date on a school night.  That was a surreal experience.  But as I was driving home after the movie I realized that while I was successful at going through the motions of my day without him, it just wasn’t the same.

True, I had been amazed that morning when, after realizing that I needed to get out of the house in 5 minutes to get to school on time, I was able to be in the car in 4.  But there were no morning snuggles, no morning “life realizations” (Mom!  Did you know that penguins swim with their eyes closed because their eyelids are clear?  And they close side to side like reptiles!), and no feeling that I had done my job to get him ready for his day.  While he’s gone, it’s like the world is drawn in pastel.  He brings all the brightness and vibrancy to my world.

What is hardest for me about this week is not just that I miss him terribly, but that I feel guilty for missing him so much.  Am I one of THOSE mothers who smothers her child and deprives him of independence?  I’ve been afraid to express how I feel because I am leery of being judged or ridiculed.  Yes, I’m afraid of being judged for having a close relationship with my son.  For actually dreading him leaving this week instead of celebrating his absence.  For acknowledging that my life is much better for his part in it.  One of my co-workers made me feel better by saying that at least I had the strength to let him go.  This is true, but it doesn’t make it much easier today.

During a snuggle a few days before he left, Logan told me that this trip would be good practice for me for when he goes away to college.  The words were true, even though I refuse to think about college yet.  For the past 10 years I have played the role of “mother to Logan.”  It has been a role that I have really enjoyed, with good experiences topping out the bad ones 100 to one, if not more.  But this trip marks a turning point.  It’s time to face the fact that as every day passes, his independence will grow and his reliance on me will decrease.  This is a good, natural thing.  It’s time for me to focus on myself as much as my son, so when he’s packing for college, I have other things in my life to bring vibrancy to it.  A wise mother once told me that children aren’t possessions, they belong to the world and as parents it is our job to prepare them to return to the world.  This week Logan and I took our first steps on his road back.