My son's PTSA asked for an article for "Words Matter" week and I submitted this. It's since been printed in newsletters in other schools in the district and was sent to the state PTA (I think...). It was nice to dust off my words again after a long, long, time.
I walk in the door at the end of my work day, put down my
bag, and make my way to my son’s bedroom.
After a quick hello, the interrogation begins: “How much homework do you
have tonight? Did you remember to turn
in all of yesterday’s homework? Have you
finished your chores? Did you take care
of your pet? Have you studied for your
test?”
Words matter. It’s a
phrase we’ve been introducing to our children to remind them to be mindful of
the words they say. Words matter. They can hurt or heal, lift up or demoralize.
In the first 2 minutes with my son he has heard a one
sentence greeting and five questions that were posed not to check in on how he
is doing, but to micro manage his “job”.
It’s no surprise that I received one word answers to each of my questions. If my boss started off every day grilling me
like that, I know I’d be pretty surly too.
Were my words mean or demeaning?
Not at all, but is there a better way I could have handled it? Absolutely.
When our children become teens, our relationship with them
changes a bit. Instead of counting how
many beans they eat at dinner to earn dessert, we focus on the bigger picture
with the hope of instilling in them all of the skills they need to become
adults. But we need to remember that we
never stop modeling behavior to them.
Just as we watched our language when they were toddlers lest they parrot
4 letter words back to us (at always the worst times!) we need to teach them
through example how the words we choose affect other people. When they come to us with a problem, do we
handle it calmly or do our words criticize and demean? Our choices can determine the outcome of the
situation and our child’s understanding of how adults handle things.
Instead of a litany of questions for my son, imagine how
different our afternoon would have been if I had simply asked him how his day
had gone? I am sure the answers to all
of my questions would have come up in the conversation. The next time I notice
a missing assignment on Schoolloop, instead of asking him what went wrong, I
could ask him what his plan is to fix the situation. Guiding our children to find their own
solutions, instead of just berating them for their mistakes, teaches them
problem solving and resiliency, very important traits necessary to become an
adult. And having them come up with the
plan shows them that we know that they are capable of handling it themselves.
We all know parenting teenagers has its challenges. During the tough times it can be hard to
remember to focus on the positive. We’re
all human. Sometimes it helps to have a
little reminder when we’re at our wits end.
I found this list from the article, “66 positive things you should be
saying to your child” by Alessia Stantoro that I know helps me when I’m at the
end of my rope.
1. I'm grateful for you.
2. You make me proud.
3. Your words are meaningful.
4. You have great ideas.
5. I love being your parent.
6. You don't have to be perfect to be great.
7. Your opinions matter.
8. You are important.
9. You are loved.
10. I believe you.
11. I believe in you.
12. This family wouldn't be the same without you.
13. You are valuable.
14. You can say no.
15. You can say yes.
16. I know you did your best.
17. You were right.
18. I accept who you are.
19. We can try your way.
20. You are helpful.
21. You are worth it.
22. You make me happy.
23. I love your creativity.
24. Being around you is fun.
25. I can't wait to hear about it.
26. Don't be afraid to be you.
27. You're making a difference.
28. I'm excited to spend time with you.
29. You are interesting.
30. I love seeing the world your way.
31. It's good to be curious.
32. I love the way you tell stories.
33. What you did was awesome.
34. I admire you.
35. That's a great question.
36. Your friends are lucky to have you.
37. I trust you.
38. That was a really good choice.
39. Seeing you happy makes me happy.
40. Being your parent is my favorite job.
41. I learn new things from you every day.
42. You make me better.
43. You are a good boy/girl.
44. Thank you for being you.
45. I'm so glad you're here.
46. You look great.
47. I understand you.
48. Watching you grow up is the best.
49. That was really brave.
50. I forgive you.
51. I appreciate you.
52. We all make mistakes.
53. Yes, me too.
54. You are very good at that!
55. You can try again tomorrow.
56. Nobody is perfect.
57. I love how you said that.
58. Not everyone will like you, and that's OK.
59. You did that so well.
60. I'm listening.
61. That's a very fair point.
62. You are beautiful inside and out.
63. I love you.
64. I could never stop loving you.
65. You are enough.
66. You make my heart full.
Print these up and put them somewhere where you will see it when
those challenges come. They will help
you stay focused on the positive and be a great example to your child. Our children learn from us every day. Teach them that words matter.
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